Monday, January 12, 2009

The Road to Independence

I take pride in being a woman who changes her own light bulbs, makes her own living, knows what she wants, and says what she wanna say. I take pride in being a female who can hold her own in a male-dominated science industry, and who doesn't need a man to complete her, but to complement her. I take pride in being Miss Independent, without making my guy feel unloved and unneeded.

I haven't always been like this, though.

The first twenty four years of my life, I led a somewhat pampered and sheltered existence. My family wasn't rich (far from it!), but I had parents who showered me with so much love and shielded me from the harsh realities of life. My Mom was a housewife who lovingly did the household work for her family, while my Dad took care of all things we couldn't handle. Whenever I have problems or I effed up, I usually just turn to them. All they wanted in return was for me to excel in school, so I spent most of my young life buried in books and studying my butt off. I was a princess who didn't do anything at home, and a crybaby who run to her parents every time something goes wrong. Amazingly, I also turned out to be a sweet child who naively thought the best of everybody, understood my parents' struggle to provide for their kids, and knew the value of every penny.

I had a brief stint of being Miss Independent when I left home for college and lived in the big city. I had a science scholarship with allowance, so I became financially independent, and my parents weren't around, so I learned to be a little more self-reliant. But that only lasted for a couple of years. When both of my siblings entered college, my parents decided to move to the city. I moved with them, and continued to live there even after I graduated and got a good job (it's a cultural thing - you only move out when you're married). I went back to being a princess. It didn't help that I was also surrounded by friends who were always lending a helping hand, and was popular with boys (modesty aside) who were trying to win my affection by catering to my every needs.

For several years, that was the life I knew and led.

So... imagine my shock when I first came to the United States.

I was out of my country for the first time, and thousands of miles away from all the people I love. I had no idea how to cook, do laundry or live in an apartment by myself. I was basically clueless on how to survive on my own! I was homesick, depressed and miserable. I felt like a little baby who was let go in a pool for the first time, struggling to learn how to swim in order not to sink.

But learn, I did.

If there's one thing about me, it's my determination to succeed in every endeavor I choose to partake. I knew I didn't have a choice, so I learned the ins and outs of living by myself. I bought a cookbook of foods I love to eat and studied every recipe. I thoughts of ways to make me feel comfortable sleeping alone in my apartment. I made a conscious effort not to long for my home and my family. I learned to suck it up when things go wrong and I feel like crying.

In the process, I discovered parts of me I didn't even know existed. I realized that I was a fighter and a survivor, who can deal with anything thrown her way... be it the tough challenges of graduate school, the agonies of a broken heart, or the malicious tongues of gossipers and backstabbers pretending to be friends. I realized that I can be a b*tch when I need to be, and can assert myself when I knew I'm right. I didn't lose all my sweetness (Fiance says I'm still a sweetheart... but then again, he's my fiance), but I lost my naivety and my people dependency.

I did meet new friends and dated guys, but I learned to love my own company, and my independence.

Sometimes... so much so, that it scares me a little bit to think of the possibility that I might lose it when I get married.

Fortunately, I have a fiance who love and support the independent side of me and hopefully, will continue to do so.

8 comments:

Sassy Britches said...

It's so heartening when you realize how capable you really are...and then to think you might lose it...and THEN to realize that you've found the perfect balance.

floreta said...

i have no doubts you will continue to be independent, especially as you say, with a supporting fiance! all it takes is awareness and you seem to have that!

"I take pride in being a female who can hold her own in a male-dominated science industry, and who doesn't need a man to complete her, but to complement her." -- somehow, i think this is the key to how you found such a great guy in the first place. living on your own (in a different country!) is something everyone should do at least once (esp. women) to be more financially AND emotionally independent. i firmly believe this 'training' will help you in longterm relationships.

me, i am still learning to be independent. being a filipina, i often feel so "small" (physically, mentally, emotionally) to do anything so big (move cross country, different country, travel, be more assertive about career.. etc.) so thank you for the inspiration. :)

Bella@That damn expat said...

I love your story and it's great that you found a guy who lets you be independent. My husband is the same way.

Jill said...

I got married this past December and I find we have an equal balance of togetherness and "independent" time.

It sounds like you have a supportive fiance, I'm sure your independence won't be hindered once you're married. :)

The Other K Wick said...

This is a great story. There is nothing better than hearing about a fellow woman, who has found herself.
Indendence is something which cannot be lost once you have it. I too enjoy being independent. In nine months of marriage, I have learned that. It is a balancing act though, by independent and letting the hubs know he is needed and loved.

**Liz** said...

I think being independant and self reliant is somehting that should never be taken for granted. Congrats for finding a guy who lets you be you.

Anonymous said...

the way you have come this far is truly astonishing :)
i see you are four months from matrimony and i bless you :) truly... for i am a beliver in the bliss of marriage.
very heart warming and lovely read.

For Myself said...

What you're describing is a COMPLETELY normal way to feel before you make a big change. You'll find the right balance and you'll push each other to be even stronger. It's an incredibly enriching experience. You'll see!