Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I am Blessed

I am so blessed. Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder why I’d been so lucky. True, I’d been through a lot, and had to work hard for some of the things I wanted (career-wise and financially), but I still can’t believe it’s possible to be this blessed. Especially with the people in my life.

So, in the spirit of thanksgiving, I wanna thank God (and the following people) for all my wonderful blessings.

Fiance. He’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. He’s my Mr. Right. He’s gorgeous, smart, sweet, passionate and very patient (which, my Mom says, is an important trait if a guy wanna stay with me (“,) ). I’ve always thought finding a man, who helps with the household chores, doesn’t have any vice or addiction (does addiction to working out counts?) and spoils me rotten, is like finding a needle in a haystack … but God gave him to me! I’ve never been happier and more grateful. I love you, Honey, and thanks for everything you've done for me!

My parents. The best parents anyone can ask for. They loved me unconditionally and with all their hearts. They guided me to the right path and supported me every step of the way. Mom and Pops, I have what I have and I became what I became, all because of you. I love you.

Sis. This year’s Thanksgiving celebration will be a happy and meaningful one for me, since my longtime dream of spending it with her (and eventually everyone in my family), will finally come true. We are the closest of sisters. We talk on the phone almost every single day. I’m so proud of her and so thankful for having her as a sister.

Bro. I miss him so. He’s on his mid-twenties but I still think of him as my baby brother. He’s got a good heart and a wonderful personality. He confides in me, even girl troubles, as we can talk about anything. I’m looking forward to next year when I’ll see him and my parents again.

My in-laws-to-be. They’ve made me feel welcome, at home, and close to a family again. For a while, all I felt during Holidays are pangs of homesickness for being so far away from my own family, but meeting them brought back the joys of Christmas season!

My friends. They’ve been with me through thick and thin. Thank God for great friends! My transition to an independent woman was easier because they were there. I don’t know how I’d have survived break-ups and dark moments without them. Special mention to friends who are closest to my heart … CT, my college best friend who’s the purest soul I’ve ever met , JR and OS who made my graduate school life more bearable and more colorful; and MD and EA who never get tired of listening to my rants and raves. You guys are the true definition of BFFs!

My career. With the current state of US economy, I’m sure most people are thankful to just have a job. I am, too, but more than that, I’m thankful for having a job that allows me to find ways to enrich peoples’ lives (through technology), and somehow make a difference in this world. Well… I love to believe so (“,)

I thank God for all that I am. For the way I was put together. For all the things that I own. For all the places that I’ve been. For all the people I have met. For all the moments I’ve been through – good or bad, it made me the person I am today. For bringing me into this world.

I thank God for all my blessings.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Emotions and Moodiness

If there's a dictionary of people counterparts of words, I guarantee you'd see my name under the definition of moody and emotional. I know most women are (especially during that time of the month), but with me, my moodiness is coupled with extreme sensitivity that makes matters worse. I can be happy one moment, then BA or my Mom will say something jokingly which doesn't sit well with me and I'd get mad in a second (and by mad, I mean, become distant and retreat into my shell). The weird thing is, I only do that with people I am emotionally involved with - namely, BA, my family and my very best friends. With others, I'm extremely patient and I usually don't let anything they say affect me.

The crazy thing about emotions and feelings is that you can't help it when it surfaces. At the back of your mind, it probably occured to you that you're being irrational but you still act on what you feel without thinking of the consequences. Then, after you've cooled down and rationalization comes back into your brain, you'd realize you've overreacted.

Ironically, I am a scientist who uses logic and rationalization in my everyday job. The good news is, over the years I have learned to separate my personal life from my career. When I'm at work, I leave my personal life behind and focus totally on my job. I'm a different person who's tough yet completely approachable, thinks logically and has a business-minded persona. But the minute I left the lab and my office, I leave all work thoughts behind.

Then comes the switch to the emotional woman.

When it comes to my personal life, I tend to let my heart rule over my head. My emotions run deeply I sometimes have to tell myself to get a grip, as most of the times, I have a tendecy to overreact.

And I did realize that this attitude was not doing me any good. I end up hurting the people I love.

And so, I've been working on turning over a new leaf. I'm learning not to take offense on petty things and be the fun yet logical woman I present to the outside world. I'm learning to take a deep breath when ugly emotions arise, and I'm learning to relax a little bit when I'm stressed out.

I'm learning, even with the stress of worrying about the present state of the economy, the stability of jobs and the rising prices of commodities, as well as the stress brought upon by the pressure of working in a research and development lab, to instead think of the excitement of my oncoming wedding (even if it's still far ahead!) and the happiness brought by all my wonderful blessings.

Actually, I thank God for giving me a completely wonderful family, great friends and a loving and very patient fiance who love me unconditionally.

I love you so much, guys! Sorry for sometimes driving you nuts with my mood swings...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Home is Where the Heart Is

For our wedding and honeymoon next year, I'm taking BA to my home country. And I'm so excited, I'm literally counting the days! (Even if it's still more than a year!)

I know every girl is excited for her big day, but to me, the excitement isn't just about the wedding. It's also about going home... home to the welcoming, familiar place and home to the people I love most in this world. It's been almost five years and I missed them so.

We often hear the saying, there's no place like home. I definitely vouch that. Even though I've come to really love United States and call it my second home, I know that my heart will always belong to my country. The place where I grew up. The place that molded me into the woman I am now.

Philippines is a country that has a rich, blended culture. Our culture has, in part, a mixture of Chinese, Spanish, American and several other countries' cultural influences, and yet maintains an original Filipino culture that is unique from any other. This is a place where you can find people who are really gracious hosts, where there are beautiful sandy beaches and it's warm all year round and where you can find the most delicious foods. I know I'm sounding like a travel agent promoting my country, but bear with me please (",). I'm still feeling nostalgic after talking to my parents, reminiscing about the past and discussing our beach wedding preparations!

This would actually be BA's first trip to my country (and out of US - if you don't count Canada and Bahamas). And I can't wait to show him the beautiful sights, give him a glimpse of what my previous life was like and of course, introduce him to my parents. He's actually feeling a little bit apprehensive on the idea of traveling 18 hours on a plane, but I assured him it would be worth it... since I'll make sure it will be the most wonderful two weeks of his life!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Life's Past Chapters

A guy I dated before BA called me up a few of months ago. He told me he's dating a new girl - and it's pretty serious.

But. There's a But.

He thinks he's still in love with me.

My first reaction wasn't of thrill. I don't feel anything for the guy anymore. In fact, I don't think I was ever in love with him (and I never told him I was). I might have liked him at that time but that's all to it. We only dated for three months. (I have my 'dating rule of 3's'. It takes 3 seconds to know if a guy is attractive enough to go out with, 3 dates if a guy is a fling/dating material and 3 months if a guy's a long-term boyfriend with possible hubby potential.) I actually felt a little bit sorry for the poor girl he's dating. Pledging your love to somebody while pining for an old flame, to me, is parallel to cheating. Physically, you might not be doing it, but emotionally you are. And it's as dreadful.

A week after Ex-fling called and a day after I watched The Notebook (for the nth time on DVD) a horrid thought occurred to me. What if in my relationship with BA, I'm the Other Girl, and BA actually had a past love he can't seem to forget about and continues to pine for? Although I knew he's head-over-heels in love with me, as I am to him, there were times when I'd feel pangs of jealousy over his previous relationships. It came to a point where we'd do something and I'd seethe, thinking he had already done it with someone else. He reassured me that I am the love of his life and that he's never felt as happy as he is with me, but wrapped up in my occasionally hormone-clouded mind, I stupidly wished he waited for me.

And then, common sense hit me in the head. I gotta stop my craziness. The way life goes, unless you date a guy who's in his late teens or early twenties (which I tried and as expected, turned out to be a lousy kisser), or a slightly older but unattractive guy (who I'd never date), there's no chance you'll be with someone who doesn't have a past. And it's not like I didn't have a past either. I did too, so it's hypocrisy to wish so.

Everyone has a past. We can't change it, but we can definitely put them behind us. In fact, we should be grateful because it is what helped shaped us to be the persons we are today. Our experiences taught us to be stronger, wiser and better at dealing with current relationships. Whenever I look at past relationships now, I look at them as preparations for the real thing. Practices for the real deal.

What I have with BA is what I believed to be the real thing. The past is just that - the past. I am his present and his future, and that's all that matters. I can't spend my life worrying about his life before he met me. We have the future to look forward to and we have the rest of our lives to strengthen our bond and make our love a one true love.