Baby Fever

Why is it that the more you want something, the more elusive it seems to you?

I've never wanted something in my life before as much I do now.

I desperately wanted to have a baby.

My husband and I have been trying for five months now, and so far we haven't had any luck. I know I should just relax and wait patiently, but as much as I try, I couldn't. It's easier said than done. I go through a roller coaster emotion of having so much hope, and then feeling crushed whenever I realize it's not happening that month. And then, as if the world wants to taunt me for wanting it, I see babies and pregnant mothers everywhere. My co-worker's wife is expecting twins, my friend in Michigan just gave birth, and even my teenage cousin, who's definitely not ready to have a baby, is having an accidental pregnancy.

And as time goes by, I become more and more worried and scared. I go through a slight depression once a month when I get my womanly thing. But...I won't give up. I have faith that one day, he or she will come. Becoming a mother is really very important to me. I don't know how I'll react if I find out we can't have at least one child. In fact, as terrible as this might make me sound, I broke up with a guy I used to date when he confessed to me that he can't have kids. He understood though, and let me go. He and I knew that if I ended up with him, I might be happy in the short term, but I'd be unhappy in the long run. (Maybe this is my karma? Please God, no!) I just would never feel fulfilled. That's how motherhood means to me.

So my blog friends, please pray for for me and my husband. I need your prayers and support.

I am Blessed

I am so blessed. Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder why I’d been so lucky. True, I’d been through a lot, and had to work hard for some of the things I wanted (career-wise and financially), but I still can’t believe it’s possible to be this blessed. Especially with the people in my life.

So, in the spirit of thanksgiving, I wanna thank God (and the following people) for all my wonderful blessings.

Fiance. He’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. He’s my Mr. Right. He’s gorgeous, smart, sweet, passionate and very patient (which, my Mom says, is an important trait if a guy wanna stay with me (“,) ). I’ve always thought finding a man, who helps with the household chores, doesn’t have any vice or addiction (does addiction to working out counts?) and spoils me rotten, is like finding a needle in a haystack … but God gave him to me! I’ve never been happier and more grateful. I love you, Honey, and thanks for everything you've done for me!

My parents. The best parents anyone can ask for. They loved me unconditionally and with all their hearts. They guided me to the right path and supported me every step of the way. Mom and Pops, I have what I have and I became what I became, all because of you. I love you.

Sis. This year’s Thanksgiving celebration will be a happy and meaningful one for me, since my longtime dream of spending it with her (and eventually everyone in my family), will finally come true. We are the closest of sisters. We talk on the phone almost every single day. I’m so proud of her and so thankful for having her as a sister.

Bro. I miss him so. He’s on his mid-twenties but I still think of him as my baby brother. He’s got a good heart and a wonderful personality. He confides in me, even girl troubles, as we can talk about anything. I’m looking forward to next year when I’ll see him and my parents again.

My in-laws-to-be. They’ve made me feel welcome, at home, and close to a family again. For a while, all I felt during Holidays are pangs of homesickness for being so far away from my own family, but meeting them brought back the joys of Christmas season!

My friends. They’ve been with me through thick and thin. Thank God for great friends! My transition to an independent woman was easier because they were there. I don’t know how I’d have survived break-ups and dark moments without them. Special mention to friends who are closest to my heart … CT, my college best friend who’s the purest soul I’ve ever met , JR and OS who made my graduate school life more bearable and more colorful; and MD and EA who never get tired of listening to my rants and raves. You guys are the true definition of BFFs!

My career. With the current state of US economy, I’m sure most people are thankful to just have a job. I am, too, but more than that, I’m thankful for having a job that allows me to find ways to enrich peoples’ lives (through technology), and somehow make a difference in this world. Well… I love to believe so (“,)

I thank God for all that I am. For the way I was put together. For all the things that I own. For all the places that I’ve been. For all the people I have met. For all the moments I’ve been through – good or bad, it made me the person I am today. For bringing me into this world.

I thank God for all my blessings.

The Greatest Treasures

Pre-BA, there are exactly four people in this world who love me and I love completely and unconditionally: My Dad, my Mom, my sister and my brother. Now, there are five, but I'm not here to write about BA. This one's all about my family.

Unlike Paris Hilton, I wasn't born with a silver spoon. The complete opposite, in fact. My family had to deal with poverty and hardships in life. We struggled. I won't bore you with excruciating details, but suffice it to say that my present life is a far cry from what my life was when I was a kid. But what I lacked financially, my parents filled emotionally. I was one of the most-loved kids in this world. Believe it or not, I was actually a spoiled child. I didn't do domestic chores, I was sheltered from the harsh realities of life, and my parents rescued me whenever I 'effed' up.

Whenever I think of my Dad, I think of that time when I was a second-grader trying to cross an ankle-deep flooded street to get to my school. He decided that I was too precious to let a drop of water touch my feet, so he enveloped me in a poncho, put on his rain boots and carried me almost all the way to the school (it was walking distance). He had always treated me like an angel. If I asked him to take me to the airport or pick me up from school, trust me, he'd be there. Be it 5 in the morning or 12 midnight. And he's always on time. Sometimes even an hour or so earlier. There are a couple of times in college when I had to work on my thesis until wee hours of the morning and my Dad would be there waiting for me for hours until I'm done and ready to go home.

My Mom loves me with the same ardor. I've always thought of her as the one person who understands me better than anybody else in this world. I've got to admit, I'm a bit moody and hard to put up with when in a bad mood, but my Mom knows exactly what to do. She had always been a terrific Mom. She'd been with me through all my competitions, entrance exams and school applications. I'd tell her things I'd tell a bestfriend. I've cried on her shoulders or over the phone (now that we're miles apart) about boy troubles countless of times, we've watched all kinds of movies - from Braveheart to 9 1/2 weeks and Original Sin(",), and we've enjoyed countless shopping trips. She is a mother and a friend, rolled into one.

My sister, brother and I also have a bond that transcends that of blood or ordinary kinship. We take care of (although I probably did more, since I'm the oldest and I've taken my role as a big sister to heart) and supported each other, and were never jealous of each other's accomplishments. Like most siblings, we have our fair share of fights, but nothing was and never will be strong enough to break us.

I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life. But there's nothing I'm more thankful for, than my family and BA. To me, they are the greatest gifts anybody can ask for. They are... my greatest treasures.