Cohabitation vs. Marriage

A co-worker asked me yesterday if Fiance and I live together. When I told her 'No', the surprise on her face was evident. "But... aren't you engaged?"

Yes, Fiance and I are engaged, but I don't have any plans of moving in with him until we have made our vows of 'till death do us part' official!

I'm not a prude, nor am I trying to be moralistic. I know that cohabitation, nowadays, is becoming the norm among other young people. I don't have anything against those who do. I hardly think it's immoral, and I don't go around judging peoples' characters based on their beliefs. We're all entitled to our own opinions and that's the beauty of freedom and democracy in this country.

Personally though, I don't believe in cohabitation. I'm a black-and-white type of person, and living together, for me, just seems so gray. It's a half-baked commitment. It's like dipping one foot into the pool and calling it swimming, when in reality, you're just 'testing the waters'. You don't wanna put both feet in, in case it's too cold/hot and would need to get out easily. Same applies to living together. It's basically a trial marriage. You share your life with somebody and do all the things married couples do, but without the ties that permanently bind the two of you together. So, in case things don't work out, it's easier to break free.

And therein lies the problem. When you decide to just live together, you're entering a relationship built on the notion that it's a trial, and there's a possibility that it might not work! With this kind of mindset, it most probably wont!

(If you're ready to share your life with somebody - somebody that you chose wisely- why can't you take the full plunge?)

One of my bestfriends actually tried to convince me a couple of times to live with BA before marrying him. Her argument was that you won't really know the person until you live with him. Under the same roof. Seeing each other 24/7 (or, at least everyday). The real him, as well as you, will only show when you've been living together in a single house. So why not do a test drive first?

Honestly, I agree with her on the 'knowing the person' part - 100%. But let's say, I do just that. I'd agree to live with BA. A year later, I'd realize, a number of his habits utterly annoy me. What then? Should I break free because I can't deal with them?

When you're just living together, that's easy to do. Just pack up your bags and leave. So most probably, you'd do just that. But when you're married, it's a different story. You have to get a divorce, change your name back to your maiden name, deal with legal issues and so on and so forth. So, you'd probably think twice and try to work it out instead. Aside from that (or more than that), you made a vow to love the other person for better or worse - and if you're like me, that means something - so you might decide to to honor that.

Actually, a number of people who cohabitate do end up getting married. The sad part is that statistically (at least in the US), 50% of those marriages end up in divorce.

And the reason?

When you enter a trial relationship, you don't usually commit yourself completely to that person. Part of you has a hidden fear of getting hurt if it doesn't work, so you hold yourself back a little. The problem is, even if you do get married eventually, you'd probably still carry that fear in your head without realizing it, thus contributing to the demise of your marriage.

I believe that living together is a really big step. It's a step towards literally sharing every aspect of your life with somebody. It's the beginning of another chapter of your life. And as old fashioned as it sounds, it's a chapter that, I personally believe, should begin with official vows of starting your life together and staying together forever.

The truth is, the independent part of me harbors a slight fear of getting married. (I'll elaborate later on another post). It's the ultimate form of commitment! There's no turning back and there's no absolute guarantee that it will work. But I do believe that I have found the guy I wanna share my life with, so it's a risk I'm willing to take. I won't have it any other way. I know sooner or later, BA and I will find things about each other that we won't like. (We already found some(",) ). But I know too, that for better or worse, he and I will exhaust all options before we even dare to contemplate giving it up. Because that's the promise that we will make and that's the vow that we will honor... for the rest of our lives.

That's the beauty of marriage.


This is my personal view. What's yours?