Of Rejection and Breaking Up

A friend of mine called me the other day, asking for advice on how to break up with her boyfriend. Things between them are not working out the way she wanted, and she feels that she's not in love with him anymore. The guy however, is the ultimate definition of Mr. Nice and so she feels awful about breaking his heart.

I'm not a relationship guru, but my dating history has some of my friends teasingly dubbing me as the 'break-up expert'. After my first disastrous relationship, I developed a phobia of commitment, and so became a serial dater who run away at the slightest signs of complications. I went through a number of short-term relationships for a few years, until I met Fiance. Now, I'm making the ultimate form of commitment... marriage.

I'd admit that I do have some experiences, but even so, I don't think I've ever learned how to break up or reject a guy's advances without hurting his feelings. You can be brutally honest, or you can break it gently and lie about the real reason of why you don't wanna be with him, but either way, you still hurt him - his feelings or his pride.

Because the bottom line is... rejection sucks!

What I have learned though, is that guys take it in different ways.

There are guys who are man enough to accept your decision graciously without causing a scene or making a big deal out of it. They accept that rejection is a part of life, or that the two of you are not suited for each other (they're probably on the same page as you, you just beat them to it), and then move on with their lives.

There are guys however, who can't take rejection gracefully. Whenever that happens, it only strengthens my conviction that I was right in breaking up! I once dated a guy who, afer we broke up, started speading rumors on how crazy I was in bed, when in reality I never even slept with him! And then there was this guy who deleted me as his Facebook friend because I didn't wanna go out with him!

Over the course of years, I've come to the conclusion that it's usually better to take the honest road when breaking up with or saying No to somebody. It's better to say that you don't feel a connection between the two of you or other ACTUAL reasons why you had to break up, rather than go though the cliches of break-up lines made for the purpose of sparing his feelings. Trust me, guys can actually see through the 'it's not you, it's me' or the 'I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now' lies (although in my case, those lines are probably true at that time)! Just be honest. A decent and confident man will respect you more for it.

Actually, I've learned my lesson about lying the hard way when, on a grocery store, I told a guy that I was new in town and didn't have a phone when he asked me for my number. God must have been watching and shaking his head because the moment I said that, my phone started ringing! (Talk about awkward!). I was trying to spare the guy's feelings but I guess, honesty is usually the best policy! (Or maybe I should have used a different excuse ;-) )

Rejection sucks, but it IS a part of life (for both men and women, and in relationship or other aspect of life!). As Bo Bennet said, 'rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.'

The Magic of Touch

Fiance was reading leisurely in bed last night, and cuddle-lover that I am, took it as an excellent opportunity to do exactly that with him. He was lying on his back so I laid on my side next to him - with my head on his right shoulders and my arm hugging his muscular chest. He moved his right arm behind my back and hugged me tightly. We laid in that position for a few minutes, enjoying each other's warmth. At that moment, I remember feeling so relaxed, safe and totally stress-free.

I don't know about you, but I love cuddling. Love, love, love it! It takes all my worries away and it evokes a very secure and happy feeling inside of me.

Actually, I do love any form of touching. To me, the human touch is so amazing! I'm a hugger, a kisser, a hand-holder, a cuddler... get the drift? I just love touching! I find it the best way to express emotions. No words are needed, yet you strongly feel the emotion the other person conveys.

Whenever my Dad kisses me on the forehead, I can feel how much he cared about me and how proud he is of me. When my Mom hugs me in a tight embrace, I can feel how much she had missed me. Whenever my friends give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulders, I feel their whole-hearted support.

I know some people (especially guys) are not too keen on touching, so I feel fortunate to have found a guy who loves to cuddle and touch as much as I do. (Okay, maybe a little less than I do!). I hate to confess this, but we're the couple who would probably make other people sick with all our hugging and kissing, except that we don't normally indulge in public displays of affection (I'm not really used to it). In public, we usually just hold hands, which to me is more than enough, as I think of hand holding as one of the most romantic expressions of love! When we're relaxing at home though, we'd sit next to each other, him - stroking my hair, and me - rubbing his earlobes (he loves it - he said it soothes him). He would also ask me to scratch his back - even when it's not itching! (Weird I know, but, I guess that's what he has to settle for, since I'm not very good at massaging his back, ). Honestly, I love how Fiance seems to be the definition of a Manly Man to the outside world but when it comes to me, he's basically a Big Baby. (I'll get in trouble if he reads this!)


Anyway, to me, there's nothing more amazing than the magic of touch! Wait... is this a manifestation of neediness or just me being a loving person? ;-) Are there anybody else out there who's like me?

Childhood Memories

Whenever I see young kids wearing make-up and trying so hard to pretend like adults, I can't help but shake my head and give an unsolicited advice, "Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Enjoy one of the best chapters of your life."

I used to be one of those kids. Even though my life was a bliss not worrying about anything except getting good grades and having fun with friends, I couldn't wait to grow up. I couldn't wait to be independent, graduate from school and get a good job. I couldn't wait to be a woman, go out on dates and be with the man of my dreams. I keep rushing to grow older, dying to find out what the world has in store for me.

Now, whenever I feel the heavy demands of my job, get copies of my utility bills and car payments, argue with the man of my dreams, I can't help but long for my simple, stress-free childhood life. There are times when I miss the naivety and innocence in how I used to look at the world, and the excitement that comes so easily over oh-so-simple things. I can still remember how easy it was for me to feel excited over Christmas days, family outings or birthdays! Honestly, I haven't felt that can't-sleep-coz-I-can't-wait excitement that I used to feel when I was a kid, in a really long time. I am a happy and optimistic person most of the time, but there are days when I wish I could still feel the highs of excitement whenever new things or wonderful events come my way. I guess as we grow older, we become consumed with everyday living that we forget to smell the flowers and take in the simple pleasures of life.

Simple pleasures... such as enjoying each present moment and not trying to hang on to childhood memories!

It's funny how, when we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up, and when we finally do, we long for those simpler early days!

I blame my sister and my grade school bestfriend for my current nostalgic mood.

Understanding Women

I was listening to an FM radio station on my way to work this morning, when I heard the DJ express perplexity over women's behaviors. His wife's Glamour magazine arrived, and he, thinking it was a sweet gesture, encircled pictures of dresses that he thought would look good on her. When the wife got home and saw what he did, she got upset and started yelling, " What's wrong with the way I dress? You don't think I look good in the clothes I wear?"

I started laughing when I heard it, but then realized I'm also guilty of acting that way sometimes! Although I think of myself as a rational and logical person (at least most of the time, and at work or I'll get fired), there are instances when emotions rule my actions, and logic goes out the window. Especially, when dealing with Fiance (Aahh, the things love do to women!). And most especially... during that time of the month!

Case in point...

Him: Babe, can I call you back in a few minutes?
Me: Why?
Him: I'm in the middle of my P90X workout.
Me (upset): Fine! Bye!
Him: Talk to you later, I love you, babe!

30 minutes later, my phone rings ...

Me: So, are you done with your oh-so-precious workout and had finally found the time to talk to me?

Another scenario...

Me: Honey, did you make something for dinner tonight?
Him: I just got out of the gym.
Me: But you got the whole day off, and you knew I'm coming over!
Him: Well, there's still a lot of time. I'll make us some. Do you want chicken or fish?
Me: Never mind.
Him: No, seriously, I'm going to make us dinner.
Me (pouting): No, don't worry anymore. You would have done it earlier if you really wanted to.

Well, today that I'm rational, I can understand why most men (and Fiance for that matter) find women (myself included) to be complex creatures. We have a tendency to overreact and say something else when we mean another! Unlike men, a lot of women's decisions and ideas are governed by emotions. Our minds and hearts are not always in sync, and we let our hearts rule even at times when we know better! (Add hormones to the equation, and we become a mess!)

Deep down though, it all boils down to one thing: we know our men care but we want them to show that they care... by doing things without us asking, and by paying attention to the little details about us.

Jennifer Aniston spoke for a lot of women when she told Vince Vaughn in the movie Break-Up, "I want you to WANT to do the dishes [not because I asked you to]".

Because as illogical as it sounds, that's how it feels that he cares.

And because, as women, that's what we'd do for the men we love.

My Solemn Vow

Warning: this post is going to be mushy and sentimental, so if you're not that kind of person, you can turn around now. (",)

For our wedding ceremony, Fiance and I have decided to say our own vows. So far, this is what I've came up with. It's still a work in progress, so suggestions are welcome!

"Honey, I love you very much. You're my partner, my lover and my bestfriend. I love you as I've never loved anybody in my life before. I will be honest and say that I can't promise that I will always be in a good mood, that all our days will be sunny and wonderful, or that our life together will be perfect. There will be days when you'll be irritated or mad at me for the things I will or will not do, and I'm sure, vice versa.

But I promise you this. Whatever you and I will go through - good or bad - I will always love you, and will never leave you. I promise that I will give you the respect you deserve, be there when you need me, and cherish and love you till our dying days.

On this day, as I take you to be my husband, I promise to walk every step of the journey with you . On this day, in front of our family and friends, I promise you, all of me.

This is my solemn vow. "

This Thing Called Love

Have you ever wondered why people are so fascinated with love? You listen to the radio and all you hear are songs about love... undying love, unrequited love, love that fell apart, etc. You talk to your friends, and the favorite topic of conversation is lovelife (or lack of it)! Even scientists found it so fascinating, that several studies have been done to identify the hormones in people's bodies responsible for the chemistry of love!

I believe that what makes love (the kind you feel for the opposite sex, or the same sex depending on the person) so fascinating is the process of falling in love. It's not something that people were born with or that they feel instantly (unlike for instance, the love that most parents feel for their child). It's a feeling that either blossoms or fades as you spend more time with the other person. It's a feeling that makes you smile and wonder why out of all the millions of people in this world, that person fell in love with you- and vice versa. I believe that if love was easy - if people were born knowing the mate intended for them- then nobody would be this fascinated.

Let's look at the process of falling in love, shall we?

You meet somebody, and feel an attraction. Although some claim to fall in love at first sight, I personally believe they just confuse their feelings with lust or attraction. Love don't magically happen the first time two people meet. You can only claim to love a person when you really know him, and can love all of him including all his flaws. If you feel that you're in love right from the very beginning, chances are, you're in love with the idea of who you think he should be, not with who he really is. On the other hand, attraction is something that you can feel instantly for somebody when you first lay eyes on him, and with the right trigger, can blossom into love.

Then comes the getting-to-know-each-other part. Now, who can forget the excitement of being on a first date, the butterflies on the stomach before that monumental first kiss or the hours you spent talking on the phone flirting with each other? Even the uncertainty of whole thing - will he call?, does he like you? are you falling for him? - and the roller coaster emotions brought by it create an excitement in a person!

And then the realization that you're both in love! Nothing feels more amazing than knowing that there's somebody who cares about your day, and loves you for everything you are. It gives you a sense of security, and blissful feelings that are way better than anything you've felt before. It also evokes passionate emotions that's different from any other form of love.

And of course, let's not forget about that wonderful expression of love called sex! Although for some people, it can be just an act between two consenting adults, it is an act that strengthens a bond between two people who are in love. It brings out a feeling that is unexplainable and out of this world (yes, you know what I mean!)...and who can resist that?

We often hear the phrase, 'in love with being in love'. No wonder why!

Now guys, what do you think is the best part of falling and being in love?

The Road to Independence

I take pride in being a woman who changes her own light bulbs, makes her own living, knows what she wants, and says what she wanna say. I take pride in being a female who can hold her own in a male-dominated science industry, and who doesn't need a man to complete her, but to complement her. I take pride in being Miss Independent, without making my guy feel unloved and unneeded.

I haven't always been like this, though.

The first twenty four years of my life, I led a somewhat pampered and sheltered existence. My family wasn't rich (far from it!), but I had parents who showered me with so much love and shielded me from the harsh realities of life. My Mom was a housewife who lovingly did the household work for her family, while my Dad took care of all things we couldn't handle. Whenever I have problems or I effed up, I usually just turn to them. All they wanted in return was for me to excel in school, so I spent most of my young life buried in books and studying my butt off. I was a princess who didn't do anything at home, and a crybaby who run to her parents every time something goes wrong. Amazingly, I also turned out to be a sweet child who naively thought the best of everybody, understood my parents' struggle to provide for their kids, and knew the value of every penny.

I had a brief stint of being Miss Independent when I left home for college and lived in the big city. I had a science scholarship with allowance, so I became financially independent, and my parents weren't around, so I learned to be a little more self-reliant. But that only lasted for a couple of years. When both of my siblings entered college, my parents decided to move to the city. I moved with them, and continued to live there even after I graduated and got a good job (it's a cultural thing - you only move out when you're married). I went back to being a princess. It didn't help that I was also surrounded by friends who were always lending a helping hand, and was popular with boys (modesty aside) who were trying to win my affection by catering to my every needs.

For several years, that was the life I knew and led.

So... imagine my shock when I first came to the United States.

I was out of my country for the first time, and thousands of miles away from all the people I love. I had no idea how to cook, do laundry or live in an apartment by myself. I was basically clueless on how to survive on my own! I was homesick, depressed and miserable. I felt like a little baby who was let go in a pool for the first time, struggling to learn how to swim in order not to sink.

But learn, I did.

If there's one thing about me, it's my determination to succeed in every endeavor I choose to partake. I knew I didn't have a choice, so I learned the ins and outs of living by myself. I bought a cookbook of foods I love to eat and studied every recipe. I thoughts of ways to make me feel comfortable sleeping alone in my apartment. I made a conscious effort not to long for my home and my family. I learned to suck it up when things go wrong and I feel like crying.

In the process, I discovered parts of me I didn't even know existed. I realized that I was a fighter and a survivor, who can deal with anything thrown her way... be it the tough challenges of graduate school, the agonies of a broken heart, or the malicious tongues of gossipers and backstabbers pretending to be friends. I realized that I can be a b*tch when I need to be, and can assert myself when I knew I'm right. I didn't lose all my sweetness (Fiance says I'm still a sweetheart... but then again, he's my fiance), but I lost my naivety and my people dependency.

I did meet new friends and dated guys, but I learned to love my own company, and my independence.

Sometimes... so much so, that it scares me a little bit to think of the possibility that I might lose it when I get married.

Fortunately, I have a fiance who love and support the independent side of me and hopefully, will continue to do so.