Baby Fever

Why is it that the more you want something, the more elusive it seems to you?

I've never wanted something in my life before as much I do now.

I desperately wanted to have a baby.

My husband and I have been trying for five months now, and so far we haven't had any luck. I know I should just relax and wait patiently, but as much as I try, I couldn't. It's easier said than done. I go through a roller coaster emotion of having so much hope, and then feeling crushed whenever I realize it's not happening that month. And then, as if the world wants to taunt me for wanting it, I see babies and pregnant mothers everywhere. My co-worker's wife is expecting twins, my friend in Michigan just gave birth, and even my teenage cousin, who's definitely not ready to have a baby, is having an accidental pregnancy.

And as time goes by, I become more and more worried and scared. I go through a slight depression once a month when I get my womanly thing. But...I won't give up. I have faith that one day, he or she will come. Becoming a mother is really very important to me. I don't know how I'll react if I find out we can't have at least one child. In fact, as terrible as this might make me sound, I broke up with a guy I used to date when he confessed to me that he can't have kids. He understood though, and let me go. He and I knew that if I ended up with him, I might be happy in the short term, but I'd be unhappy in the long run. (Maybe this is my karma? Please God, no!) I just would never feel fulfilled. That's how motherhood means to me.

So my blog friends, please pray for for me and my husband. I need your prayers and support.

Simple Pleasures of Married Life

This morning, as I was getting ready to go to work, Hubby gave me a tight hug and a passionate kiss, and said:

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HONEY... EVEN THOUGH YOU FRUSTRATE ME SOMETIMES ;-)

Isn't he adorable? Hahaha...

Off to California in a Week...

A week from today, I'll be off to the lovely state of California! I'll be giving a talk at a four-day science conference in San Jose. I wish I can say I'm completely excited (I've never been to California before), but I'm a little bit nervous. I haven't given a serious talk since graduate school, so this is kinda nerve-wracking. Imagine giving a presentation to dozens of strangers! Plus, this is a business trip - I'll be traveling with my boss and I'm pretty sure we'd spend almost all our time at the conference hall, listening to other speakers and meeting future suppliers and customers.

But... I'm very happy and proud that my work have been acknowledged. It's times like this that makes all the harwork worthwhile.

And of course, since I'd already be there, I wouldn't miss the oppurtunity to see my childhood bestfriend, who I haven't seen in 19 years! We were practically kids when we've last seen each other. We've been talking of meeting up for several years now, but it has never materialized. Now, we can, and I'm very excited about it.

So California, here I come!

from www.hubis.com/blog

I'm drooling...

This weekend, Hubby went to Michigan to see his family, and I stayed at home and hang out with my Mom who came here for a vacation. I dragged her to the movie theater to watch the movie 'Law Abiding Citizen', since the trailer looks good and I've been hearing wonderful reviews.

May I say...I wasn't disappointed at all. Granted that the movie was a little violent - okay, maybe too violent that I had to close my eyes during some bloody scenes - the plot however, was great and the whole movie was well-acted. I was taken by surprise with the ending, which says a lot, because that doesn't happen to me in a lot of movies.

And of course, Gerard Butler is freakin' hot!!! He's got a body to die for. (He showed his bare chest and butt in the movie!!!).

Case in point....

Hand me a tissue, please. I think I'm drooling ;-).

Say Hello...

... to an official homeowner!

Hubby and I signed our closing documents for our brand new house two weeks ago and moved in this past weekend. And may I say... it's one of the happiest month of my life! I'm so psyched and excited! I feel like I reached another milestone in my life... another check on my List of Dreams. It's times like these when I feel that all my hardwork has paid off, and every single tear and pain was worth it. And I feel so blessed.

Anyway, our house has two stories with four bedrooms and 2 and a half bath. Our master bath has a beautiful jacuzzi - how cool is that? All our bedrooms are upstairs, one of which we turned into an office/library. We have a big formal dining area and a beautiful kitchen with a small island that I wanted. The basement is not finished yet, but Hubs have an idea of dividing it into three areas - a spots bar, a work out room and a theater room with a big projector screen and recliner sofas. We also bought new furnitures to go with the new house, and I absolutely love them! We spent the whole week unpacking and decorating. In fact, we had all our boxes unpacked and the whole house looking like home in one week, it's almost unbelievable! I guess that's what excitement does to people.

Right now, I'm really just enjoying being a first-time homeowner!!!

Crossroads

A few years ago, I came across a major crossroad in my life. I was pursuing a doctorate degree in chemistry, but my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I was restless and very unhappy. I've been in school for what feels like forever and was dying to move out. I wanted to move on to the professional world and live a different life. On top of that, I was reeling from the worst and most painful heartache I've ever experienced in my whole life. I had just broken up with a cheater boyfriend who happened to be my very first big love. I was utterly depressed and devastated. Needless to say, I felt an absolute need to leave the university and all things that reminded me of him.

But... the university was also my comfort zone. It was a place I've always been comfortable with. My friends were there and everything else that was familiar to me. Aside from that, I was scared of how my family would react if I quit my PhD studies.

I weighed the pros and cons, and mulled over my dilemma thoroughly. I went back and forth with indecision. Finally though, I made a decision to pursue my happiness. I quit my PhD studies and switched to the shorter Masterals. I've never been a quitter, but my heart was telling me it's time to make a change. I knew I was more than ready to leave the university and pursue a different life. Part of me felt that I was running away, but a bigger part tells me I need to start a new life. I wanted to be happy and I knew I won't be if I stayed there. Surprisingly, my family was very supportive of my decision. My parents told me to do what I think was best for me and what will make me happy.

It's been three years since and all I can say is... I'm glad I made that decision. I found a job right after I got my MS degree, and a year later met my husband. If I didn't, I would have graduated last fall and probably had been one of those people still searching for a good job due to the economic downturn. If I stayed in school, I probably had been miserable with the memories of the jerk instead of meeting the love of my life.

I admit that there are times when I'd have pangs of regret. Like that time when I attended my friends' graduation (the same time I would have graduated if I pursued PhD) and watched them walk on the stage, I thought for a moment, that would have been me. I would have walked on that stage and got my doctoral certificate. I would have been Dr. Chloie by now. But I think of all the good things that happened after I made my decision, and I forget all my regrets.

There are times in life when you reach a crossroad and the path ahead looks so uncertain. Just trust yourself and follow what your heart tells you. Sooner or later, you'll realize why you chose that path in the first place.

On Patriotism

I'm not what you'd exactly call a very patriotic person.

I mean... I left the Philippines despite the ongoing brain drain to go and get a job abroad, I pay taxes to a different country, I married a foreigner, and bought a house in this foreign soil. And I don't think I would sacrifice my life for my country or for any patriotic reasons.

But... I do love my country.

I defend it whenever someone says something bad about it. I feel proud whenever I hear a fellow countryman like Manny Pacquiao bring honor to it. I donate money to our less fortunate. I do have plans of going back when I'm ready to retire. And I do still call it my real home.

But most of all, I've always dreamt of making a difference in it.

I like to think that in a small way, I did several years ago.

I joined a rally calling for the resignation of the then-president who was laundering people's money. The guy was an actor-turned-politician who won the election by campaining as the champion of the masses and the man who would get people out of proverty. Two years later, it turned out that he was the one who would put the country in more debt.

So I, together with some of my friends, decided to join the 3 day vigil to call for his resignation. We marched several miles and gathered in front of the church where several officials from the opposition party give their talk. We camped there day and night. I did go home at some point to change clothes and to make sure my parents would not worry, but I'd always come back. I had never felt as patriotic as I did during those times. There was a feeling of strong unity and bond between everybody, and it was amazing. I felt, for once in my life, that I was fighting for something I believed in. I felt that I was a part of something bigger than myself and I was fighting for a cause. When after three days, news broke out that the president finally resigned, we were crying with tears of joy. It was such a joyful moment. I was so happy at that time because, in a small way, I felt like I was part of my country's history. Honestly, I wasn't thrilled with the vice president who replaced him, but we had to concede that for that time being, she was the lesser of two evils. (Now, I'm not so sure anymore!)

Anyway, I wish that one day, I'd experience something that amazing again. I'm still not willing to die for patriotic reasons, but I do hope that some day I can really say that I made a big difference in my country.