Surrendering to Fate

I've always believed that, except in certain aspects of our lives, our journey in this planet Earth is something that we can orchestrate on our own.

I was wrong.

We can plan our life to a T, and put in all our dedication and hardwork, but the truth is... if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. There are things in life that are just out of our control, and no matter how hard we try, we can't force them to happen.

This latest experience of mine had humbled me. It's ironic how I tried to orchestrate my path to motherhood by dumping a guy who can't give me a child, only to fall deeply into the arms of another one who can't. Maybe it's karma or maybe it's God's way of telling me something. I don't know what it is, but I know one thing for sure. I'm done being sad! I can cry my eyes out, moan and curse my fate but the thing is, it won't do me any good. It's something that is totally out of my control. And so, I'm surrendering to whatever God has in store for me. I'm done trying to map out my life. I will never lose hope for my future, but I will live life, one day at a time.

Hhhmmm.... maybe I should change the the title of my blog from Orchestrated Destiny to Surrendering to Fate. What do you think, my dear friends? ;-)

Broken Heart

My worst nightmare had came true.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my utterly strong desire to have a baby and become a mother. There is nothing I want more than to have one. My husband and I had been trying for six months now and so far we haven't had any luck. People had been telling me that I just need to be patient, but I coulnd't. I had to know if there's something wrong or at least get my peace of mind if there isn't. So I dragged my husband to the doctor and had ourselves checked.

Turned out there is something wrong. We still need to talk to the doctor to clarify (it was just the assistant who told us the initial results) and know what our options are, but so far, we know that there's a problem and we might go through some trouble trying to conceive. I don't know all the exact details yet but I will on Thursday.

Needless to say, I felt so crushed. I spent the whole weekend crying my eyes out. Even now, as I write this post, I can feel the tears brimming from my eyes. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm still hoping for the best... hoping that we do have several options, because I don't think I can take it if we don't. I woke up this morning feeling this huge emptiness in my heart. I can't go through this. I'm not strong enough for it. And I don't think I've done anything so wrong to deserve this kind of pain. I know in my heart I would be a great (not just good) mother.

Back from California

I'm back from California, and though I'm very happy to be back in my husband's arms, I can't say I'm too happy to be back in this darn cold Ohio weather.

Anyway, my trip went really well.

First of all, my talk was well-received. I was nervous at first, but once I got going, all the nervousness flew and I started talking with more confidence. A lot of people stood up to congratulate me, and even the chairman of the session told me I had the best presentation he had seen. Needless to say, I was so happy and proud.

And of course, I finally saw my childhood bestfriend again... after 18 years! We had such a great time catching up. I missed her so much. She's still the same pretty and wonderful friend I've always known her to be. She's getting married next year and I'm so happy for her.

One strange thing, though. I got asked out twice during the conference. Sure, I know I'm hot (hahaha), but I've got a wedding ring on! How could these guys ignore the fact that I'm married and still invite me out for dinner and drinks? In a way, I know it's easier to start a conversation when you're in a conference (there's an abundance of topics to talk about), but don't they have the decency to chose a single woman? I've been to conferences before and I've been asked out a few times too, but I was single then, so it didn't bother me. My situation is different now! What do they expect? A one-night stand? Maybe I'm just over-reacting, but I'm beginning to wonder if these things are really common in these types of gatherings, and I was just oblivious about it. (Come to think of it, my Ex cheated on me while he was in one!) And this happens to be a technology conference... with lots of supposedly professional men! Anyway, I said No (of course) and tried to avoid them the rest of the day.

Still, I'd say the conference went pretty well. I saw all these amazing technological progresses, and I'm happy to be a part of a field that contributes to bettering peoples lives. It's times like this when I feel that I'm somehow making a difference in this society we live in.

Baby Fever

Why is it that the more you want something, the more elusive it seems to you?

I've never wanted something in my life before as much I do now.

I desperately wanted to have a baby.

My husband and I have been trying for five months now, and so far we haven't had any luck. I know I should just relax and wait patiently, but as much as I try, I couldn't. It's easier said than done. I go through a roller coaster emotion of having so much hope, and then feeling crushed whenever I realize it's not happening that month. And then, as if the world wants to taunt me for wanting it, I see babies and pregnant mothers everywhere. My co-worker's wife is expecting twins, my friend in Michigan just gave birth, and even my teenage cousin, who's definitely not ready to have a baby, is having an accidental pregnancy.

And as time goes by, I become more and more worried and scared. I go through a slight depression once a month when I get my womanly thing. But...I won't give up. I have faith that one day, he or she will come. Becoming a mother is really very important to me. I don't know how I'll react if I find out we can't have at least one child. In fact, as terrible as this might make me sound, I broke up with a guy I used to date when he confessed to me that he can't have kids. He understood though, and let me go. He and I knew that if I ended up with him, I might be happy in the short term, but I'd be unhappy in the long run. (Maybe this is my karma? Please God, no!) I just would never feel fulfilled. That's how motherhood means to me.

So my blog friends, please pray for for me and my husband. I need your prayers and support.

Simple Pleasures of Married Life

This morning, as I was getting ready to go to work, Hubby gave me a tight hug and a passionate kiss, and said:

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HONEY... EVEN THOUGH YOU FRUSTRATE ME SOMETIMES ;-)

Isn't he adorable? Hahaha...

Off to California in a Week...

A week from today, I'll be off to the lovely state of California! I'll be giving a talk at a four-day science conference in San Jose. I wish I can say I'm completely excited (I've never been to California before), but I'm a little bit nervous. I haven't given a serious talk since graduate school, so this is kinda nerve-wracking. Imagine giving a presentation to dozens of strangers! Plus, this is a business trip - I'll be traveling with my boss and I'm pretty sure we'd spend almost all our time at the conference hall, listening to other speakers and meeting future suppliers and customers.

But... I'm very happy and proud that my work have been acknowledged. It's times like this that makes all the harwork worthwhile.

And of course, since I'd already be there, I wouldn't miss the oppurtunity to see my childhood bestfriend, who I haven't seen in 19 years! We were practically kids when we've last seen each other. We've been talking of meeting up for several years now, but it has never materialized. Now, we can, and I'm very excited about it.

So California, here I come!

from www.hubis.com/blog

I'm drooling...

This weekend, Hubby went to Michigan to see his family, and I stayed at home and hang out with my Mom who came here for a vacation. I dragged her to the movie theater to watch the movie 'Law Abiding Citizen', since the trailer looks good and I've been hearing wonderful reviews.

May I say...I wasn't disappointed at all. Granted that the movie was a little violent - okay, maybe too violent that I had to close my eyes during some bloody scenes - the plot however, was great and the whole movie was well-acted. I was taken by surprise with the ending, which says a lot, because that doesn't happen to me in a lot of movies.

And of course, Gerard Butler is freakin' hot!!! He's got a body to die for. (He showed his bare chest and butt in the movie!!!).

Case in point....

Hand me a tissue, please. I think I'm drooling ;-).